Friday, July 17, 2009

The Virginity Question

I have a question for all my male readers (and any females who care to comment, naturally): how do you—or would you—feel about fucking a virgin? (I apologize for the crude language, but “having sex with” is just too many words; it impedes the flow of the language.) This is a question I have tried to ponder from the male perspective for quite some time, but ultimately I arrive at too many possibilities to settle on any one answer—hence the poll present to you, my readers.

Obviously, a your feelings would be largely dependent upon your own sexual status, so let’s start out assuming you have “experience.” On one hand, deflowering a virgin could be quite a heady experience. This girl/woman is uncharted territory: no other man has ever seen her this way or done these things to her. You own this experience, and no one else will ever be able to take this role in her life. Plus, you can’t go wrong, because she has nothing to compare this experience to, so this means your “performance stress” should be next-to-nothing.

But then, of course, there are drawbacks. You will likely have to serve as her mentor or teacher of sorts, as she certainly doesn’t have any experience upon which to fall back. The whole experience might prove to be incredibly boring or worse—uncomfortable—and there is no telling ahead of time, since even she doesn’t know how she’s going to behave. Here, temperament indicates nothing: the most outgoing flirt could be boring or insecure in bed, whereas the quietest library mouse might be the biggest moaner you’ve ever known. You just don’t know.

Now, let’s consider if you’re a male virgin. On one hand, the girl is also a virgin, at least she can’t compare you to anyone. You won’t have to live up to anything more than some potential romantic idealism, and if she really thinks she loves you, then even failing to live up to that ideal will likely be forgiven.

However. If this is the first time either of you has done this, neither one of you will know what to expect, nor what to attempt. You can read ten karma sutra books, but until you physically try anything, you’re not going to know what to do. At least if the girl had experience, she could walk you through things and help you to please her. So really, as charming as two virgins marrying and spending their wedding night “together” may sound, it ultimately seems like one big recipe for Awkward.

On the other hand (how many hands there are to this situation, I haven’t quite determined), you don’t want a girl with too much experience. That’s just gross. Girls who put out regularly have reputations, and as far as I know, they’re not considered desirable or sexy.

So I guess the real question is: is being a virgin considered sexy? Can it make you desirable? Or is it, in reality, the opposite—a deterrant for any guy who either a) doesn’t want to play teacher or b) doesn’t know what he’s doing himself?


Joel said...

For me, "too much" experience is gross so lesser the better. If no gotta start somewhere, right. Obviously, more experience means more enjoyment, but experience grows so that's really a non-issue.

JulieP said...

First of all, "fucking" is way different than "having sex with." I think the crudeness of language directly relates to the kind of activity being performed. So, if you're mainly asking about fucking, then I don't have a good answer. I personally don't have an interest in fucking. My comments here relate to having sex.

Let's say the guy's experienced, and the girl's the virgin. I think the "performance stress" should indeed be low, but there is still the risk of the guy giving the girl a really terrible time, or, if she doesn't know enough to assert herself, being really selfish and taking all the pleasure for himself. Also, a girl knows what feels good and what doesn't. Sure, she's got nothing to compare it with, but I still think the guy can go wrong.

If both the guy and girl are virgins, you're right, it could be way awkward. However, in the case of 2 virgins getting it on for the first time on their wedding night, I think the romanticness refers to the fact that they waited for that night to give into their human desires, not the smoothness of the sex act. And I would think the human desires would be there directing them in the right direction, not to mention the fact that they love each other and are in the marriage together.

As for the last hand, why is it only bad for the girl to have too much experience, and not the guy? That's such a lame stance of society, and it's been that way for a long time.

I think in the end, whether or not a virgin is sexy is in the eye of the beholder. It depends on who you are and how you live your life. Do what you want, but make sure it's what you want.

agoldste said...

I agree on may accounts, Julie. For one thing, there needs to be a verb coined that actually means "having sex with," because the crude/violent/impersonal connotation of "fucking" is not exactly what I would always like to refer to when I am speaking about this topic. Nonetheless, that's the only verb out there, so we're stuck with it for now, if we want to limit the language to a single-word action verb.

Also, I agree that it is unfair for society to judge only women regarding having "too much experience." We were all raised to assume guys need to "grow their wild oates"; even if we were raised with religious parents who did not subscribe to that specific notion, we can't help but be influenced by it. It is a little gross and deplorable on both ends, though, and it's sad that only females are publicly ridiculed for it.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Mike said...

Coming from someone who has had sex *only* with virgins, no complains here. I think ultimately the enjoyment that comes from sex rests entirely on the relationship between the guy and the girl. Two virgins who have sex after just meeting is an entirely different sexual experience than two virgins having sex who have been together for months.

And as far as the double standard that exists between slutty guys vs. slutty girls, there's a reason. I'm generalizing, but men have to work for sex. Women can get it whenever they want. That's why men who have a lot of sex are seen as just being good at their craft.

K said...

Several things...

First, ditto Mike on the explanation of the double standard. Couldn't have said it better.

There is a certain responsibility that comes with taking a woman's virginity, and it's not something a guy is going to take lightly. If he's just in it for the short term, he won't want to take the chance of the girl getting super super attached (because that's what girls tend to do... not saying they will or won't... but past experience shows that's more likely to happen). However, if he's been around for a while and plans to stick around for a while longer, then it's not as much of an issue.

Rome said...

well...i think you read my poem differentiating the idea of "making love" and "fucking", which i'm sure it was terrible.
you know my whole situation, myself being a virgin, so i probably have the most idealized view of sex. i wouldn't want a girl to have "too much experience, because i would have to live up to their past performances.
i think two virgins could be incredibly awkward, but interesting at the same time. i'm not sure how well to explain it.

Gordon said...

how do you—or would you—feel about fucking a virgin? (I apologize for the crude language, but “having sex with” is just too many words; it impedes the flow of the language.)

Then might I impudently suggest a footnote to replace your long in-line parenthetical statement, which impedes the flow of its paragraph to explain how your chosen term avoids impeding the flow of the sentence? ;~)

As for the actual question, hell if I know.

agoldste said...

Ah, you see, someone finally noticed my wordplay. That was fully intentional! As was my later roundabout wording, done to avoid ending on a preposition.... :) Yay for the English language! (Boo for lack of adequate verbs....)

Miss Arianna said...

so, boys. What of the girls who have high standards, are picky about who they sleep with, but just happen to find a multitude of tall+attractive+intelligent men who are willing to put in effort to seduce them? Frankly I think your definition of the double standard reveals your misogynist/small mind.

Don't be haters when clearly you just haven't ever HAD a girl with experience. If you had, you wouldn't be so quick to judge. Just because a girl sleeps with more than one boy and none of her chosen partners are YOU does not mean she is "slutty". In fact, I would venture to say she is "too good for you" and that, perhaps, is why you are so venomous. Much easier to call her a slut than to admit that she wouldn't sleep with you even if hell froze over, right?

Allison- seriously, it's about finding the right person to kick the game off with. If you've got a good starting line-up, you'll get a leg up in the game. The first time is going to be awkward No Matter What. Best to do it with someone you trust and care about. There's a reason to wait for "love" (but not marriage, in my opinion).