Classifieds--Personal

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about classified ads—personal ones in particular. A number of recent occurrences have brought this topic to mind. One involves a friend of mine who is what I would call a “perpetual dater.” (She, I believe, would prefer the term “man-eater,” but I know she can be tame when the occasion arises.) She can pick up a guy virtually anywhere—at a bar, in the supermarket, on the subway—so it’s my assumption that her forays into internet dating services are merely meant to cast her net as far as it will go. (After all, why else would a gorgeous 5’10” runner with big boobs and finely honed seduction tactics need to look online for dates?)

In any case, her most recent posting in an online dating forum garnered the following response. Note: I have abbreviated the gentleman’s message for literary merit.

(Warning). This email will not be the usual message you get. First of all you are getting a message from me because obviously I think you are very attractive and seem like a very chill homosapien =P. Second I am on this site basically to fulfill a fantasy that I have had since I broke up with my ex...now the fantasy...I am not talking about tying you up to the ceiling and coating you with honey that I will proceed to lick while jumping from a trampoline or anything crazy like that. Basically I want to mess around with someone I don't know that well out of lust. I am not talking about sex though; A big part of the fantasy is to refrain from it actually!!

Unique, no? Needless to say, as tempting as it may have seemed, my friend did not respond to the post.

Then today, when I was in the locker room at work showering after my lunchtime run (yes, we have lockers at work—we are very spoiled), I overheard two fellow runners whispering together as they changed. When I emerged, I picked up the word “date,” from their conversation and nonchalantly asked B___ (one of the two women) if she was about to go on a blind date. (There’s nothing more intriguing than two half-dressed women neglecting their clothing in order to whisper together! I simply had to know what they were talking about.) She replied that no, she was about to ask someone else out on a date. She said it made her want to throw up.

I was commiserating at the thought—of asking someone else out, not of wanting to throw up—when P___ (the other woman) asked me if I had ever been on a blind date. I didn’t even have to think before answering: no, of course not. She looked at me oddly and then laughed. “You’re twenty-three years old!” she exclaimed. “Get out there, girl!”

So I have now spent the last six or so hours thinking about what I would post if I were to write an online or classified ad for myself. People who try to be witty always end up looking retarded, but if you are too boring, no one will respond. If you provide too much information, you might not have a back-out plan, but if you don’t provide enough, the wrong sorts of people may answer your ad.

If I had to write one, I suppose it would go something like this:

SWF Reasonably cute, long legs, low maintenance, athletic. Seeking smart, considerate, athletic man. 6’ + a bonus.