Moreover, I consider my relationship with said boy much more meaningful than any he has concocted with his object of affection. I cannot count the number of times I have heard the words, “I have never told [fill in Important Girl’s name here] what I am telling you.” But telling me important things apparently does not matter for much, because, in the end, she’s the one he’s pursuing. I just end up being that girl: the one who gets to listen, and listen, and listen. The one who does nice things for the guy because, hey, we’re pals and that’s what friends are for. The one who puts herself at beck-and-call but finds herself expendable when it comes “couple” time. Why are boys so uninterested in anything familiar, anything comfortable? Why must they pursue girls who give them a hard time, who are difficult and unpredictable and not nearly as caring as us Nice Girls?
But this is not a lament concerning Nice Girls Finishing Last. It is a lament concerning why people—guys, particularly—cannot or do not grow romantically attached to someone after knowing them better. For me, I have to be friends with a guy before I can feel any kind of romantic connection. This is not to say that I won’t find some Heath Ledger look-alike on the street attractive, but for me to truly feel deep, abiding affection for someone, I have to get to know them, as a person. Knowing a person takes time, it takes effort, it takes energy. How can I possibly figure anyone out except by being friends with them?
Dating from the outset is one option many people seem to exercise, but to me this seems like a sham. What can this arrangement be based upon, initially, except physical attraction? Not that that getting to know someone because of physical attraction is necessarily a bad thing, but it seems like the wrong foundation for a grounded emotional connection. I prefer friendship.
However, it seems that boys cannot build from this foundation. Start down the path of friendship, and that’s exactly where you’ll end. They "don't want to ruin anything." They "just can't see you any other way." Don't take it personally (as if there is any other way to take it.)
So much for my belief that you're supposed to marry your best friend. If I can't even date one of them, how am I ever going to get married?
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6 comments:
MAIL ORDER BRIDE!
j/k
I have found that those guys who seemed interested in me as a person--not just as a date--and who respected themselves were far more enjoyable to be around. We began our relationships with oodles and oodles of talking. Out of that talking, we learned more and more about one another. When what we learned caused us to respect each other more and more, we became closer and closer.
When I went out with guys who were interested in me just as a date, the time we spent together was very shallow. It was less than interesting. Conversation was planned, contrived. We knew very little about one another, even after weeks or months of dating. It didn't last.
However, as you know, not every friendship with a guy turns into a girlfriend/boyfriend scenario. I've had these kinds of relation- ships, too. Give yourself time. It just might happen when you least expect it. In fact, for me, that's exactly when it happened.
I count myself as very lucky to have had two friendships with males that turned into dating relation- ships. One I almost married. The other one I did marry.
It CAN happen.
i should say that this isnt just guys who do this.
I will give you a thought provoking comment when I am not playing with power tools in the rain and lifting heavy objects.
Here a few thoughts:
While I can truly understand just how you feel & at the same time agree with most of what anonymous has said, there is still another side to this.
While yes, "things" just do happen, sometimes you have to "grease the pump" a little. While the cerebral attraction is fine, it truly doesn't hurt one's cause to "grease the pump" with a little cosmetic accoutrements. How have I heard one put it before? - presentation is important - perception is reality.
So... coming from your position, and becoming an example of dating one's best friend, I felt that I needed to take some extra time to reply to your post.
I continuously listen to him lament about girlfriends, and crushes, and “girls” in general; meanwhile, by I myself defy many of the very traits and issues he laments about.
John and I sometimes sit at Eat N Park at 1 AM and he will start talking about one of his ex-girlfriends, and I just smile to myself because I do defy all of the traits in his previous girlfriends that he hated. Just tonight, I asked him how I fit in to his dating patterns, because almost every girl he's ever dated is crazy. His response? "You don't, and that's what makes it so good."
Why are boys so uninterested in anything familiar, anything comfortable? Why must they pursue girls who give them a hard time, who are difficult and unpredictable and not nearly as caring as us Nice Girls?
They like the chase. I'm sure you've heard that a million times before, though.
It is a lament concerning why people—guys, particularly—cannot or do not grow romantically attached to someone after knowing them better.
I read (perhaps in Cosmo, so take it with a grain of salt) that while women need emotional attachment in order to have sex, men need sex in order to have emotional attachment. It actually does make a whole lot of sense, to me at least.
So much for my belief that you're supposed to marry your best friend. If I can't even date one of them, how am I ever going to get married?
There is also the possibility that who you marry becomes your best friend. It doesn't have to start out that way.
Rome is right, too--there is what is called the "friend zone" that both men and women can fall into. It's always a good storyline for a sitcom. It's certainly mentioned in Friends, and possibly in Scrubs and Coupling, as well. Girls can stick a guy in the "friend zone" if he doesn't act quickly enough. Also, the attraction has to be mutual, so it's fruitless if he really and truly does not have any interest in you ever.
With all of that said--John and I have been best friends for almost five years now, and four of those years were spent not dating, while I looked on as he went through batshit insane girlfriend after batshit insane girlfriend. But really, I wouldn't go back in time and change it all. I still believe that things happen for a reason, and there is something to be said for having the experience of dating crazy chicks or guys who lack spines and would do anything you ask of them--including quitting their job to move across the country with you. It makes you appreciate your decent significant other that much more. I honestly don't think that my relationship with John would be the same if I didn't have the contrast of Kendall and Ryan to put it into perspective.
On a related side note... of course now I'm in love, but I have to move to Texas in less than two months... :(
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